Until you see pond life, it’s not time to change the water.
Yes. A paddling pool is a year round garden accessory. YES. IT IS.
No toddler-clothing/nappies required. Blame any suspicious floaters on the cats.
Drink mojitos at the sidelines and revel in the socially acceptable nature of outdoor alcohol now it’s sunny.
If your child starts calling for your attention simply throw crisps at them until they are distracted by a bucket… or suspicious floater…
If you hear your neighbours out in their gardens, use your posh voice and shout commands which give the impression you’re in control of the situation… i.e. ‘Let’s keep the toys out of the flower bed darling!’, Can we try to not decorate the pool with Mummy’s plants?’, ‘No water-boarding the cats!’ etc etc… Earn 10 parenting points and pour yourself another drink. #boom
Never underestimate the entertainment value of a rock. Or an empty water bottle. Or one of your shoes…
Sunglasses will give the impression you’re watching…
After the third time of asking them to keep the water IN THE BASTARD POOL ONLY, you’ve done enough and can give up. To concentrate on sunning the underside of your chin(s).
Insist your child wears a hat. You know. For a laugh. Until the alcohol sinks in.
Get the noise levels up high enough and the neighbours won’t even bother getting out of their houses… #win
And finally… It’s your garden, time to break out your home-only-vagina-skimming-shorts (HOVS) and attempt to loosely keep your nipples at bay with a prehistoric bikini top. That’ll definitely keep the neighbours indoors….