During my two years in the blogosphere,
I’ve seen things that’ll make you cry.
From projectile vom over Tree Fu Tom,
To my toddler punching an Alsatian in the eye.
The WallyBubba was practically a newborn,
When I started ranting away on the net.
She was the size of shoe, producing vast amounts of poo,
Her only hobbies were shitting and reflux roulette.
Then came the era of the Jumperoo,
That giant plastic bastard saved my life.
It helped me get through teething, and the wanker that is weaning,
I still flinch cutting-up spag-bol with a knife.
Nothing could prepare me for toddler-dome,
When it starts moving and becoming a walker.
It’s the point you begin, to find a new friend called gin.
And you can’t take a piss without a 2ft stalker.
Soon they begin talking right back at you,
Picking up every bugger, every arse, every c@*t.
The problem with toddlers, is they’re right little meddlers,
They make it bloody hard to be the parent that you want.
By two I’d say life is pretty much over.
Your home is just a marmite/play-doh mess.
All you do is shout ‘NO!’, ‘don’t touch that!’ and ‘time to go!’,
You long to wear matching underwear and occasionally say ‘yes’…
So thank you for my two years in the blogosphere,
For laughing and supporting me through thick and thin*,
Here’s to a few more years, of crusty leggings and 3am tears,
And only surviving parenthood thanks to gin.
*By thin, I mean I know how to take a good selfie and instagram has got my back.
I’m up for Most Entertaining Blog in this year’s MAD Blog Awards so if you like what your read, please take a few seconds to vote for me! Voting closes at midnight on 24th April.
Just click on the badge below to go to the site and place you vote for JUST A NORMAL MUMMY in the Most Entertaining Category: