Welcome Home. Mother.

Hope you had a nice time. Hussy.

This past week of ABANDONMENT has forced me to grow up pretty quick. I’ve had to. To adapt to you being gone. Don’t feel guilty about that or anything will you…

I’m just saying. Things are changing around here.

I’ve made a list:

Firstly. The cats and I would now like to eat together on the sofa from a communal bowl.
Secondly. I’m changing my name by Depol to Kala-Utingo. It means ‘cat rider’ in Swahili.
I don’t wash anymore. The cats groom me after meals. 
I’m growing my toe nails. As weapons. In case you try to wash me. 
I know where you keep the biros now… 
I no longer need assistance when climbing up or down stairs. If you touch me while I’m climbing or descending I will go BAT SHIT F@*KING CRAZY. 
I’ll be wearing YOUR pants from now on. 
The Sky Box is tuned to Nickelodeon Junior and I’ve eaten the remote. F@*k you. 
I like sausages now, but have to whisper when saying the word sausages… in case the sausage goblins are listening…
I know you order pizza on a Sunday night after I’ve gone to bed… I found the boxes… I’ve made a house out of them. Using barbecue sauce to weld the pieces together. Along with tiny hats for both the cats out of empty garlic and herb dip pots. 
This week I’ve learnt the words chocolate, pirate and crack-whore. Yes. I listen to EVERY WORD PEOPLE SAY. And ignore them all until I hear something like crack-whore…
I will only be counting to ten in the correct order when no-one else is listening. In public, the number four will also be replaced by the phrase crack-whore.
I’m moving to IKEA. The food’s better and they have tunnels. And that swively-orange-pod-chair thing. You really should have bought one of those when you had the chance you know… 
I agree that I do have my own shoes, but I just prefer yours. So roomy.
You can have your iPhone back now. Totally over it. That was so 6 months ago. I have my own tablet now. *rolls eyes*
I don’t use a highchair anymore… What do you think I am, like, 23 months old or something? God, you’re so embarrassing. 
I sleep naked. And dream shout. 
Naked hour begins at 4pm every day. I don’t care where we are. 
Screw with me and I’ll put the un-instagrammed versions of your photos on Facebook. And yes, you do look fat and blotchy. 
Watch out for the smaller of the two cats. She’s shady as f@*k.
And finally. I shall be wearing my face like this from now on. (See below) Just so you know. 

#ginrequired

Wot So Funee?

46 Comments

  1. SarahMummy February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  2. Tom IdeasforDads February 17, 2014
  3. Californian Mum in London February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  4. Tracy February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  5. complicatedgorgeousness February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  6. Distressed Housewife February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  7. Gillian Flynn February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  8. Kim Carberry February 17, 2014
  9. CARA GREENFIELD February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  10. Notmyyearoff February 17, 2014
  11. Honestmum February 17, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014
  12. Judith Hurrell February 17, 2014
  13. Pinkoddy February 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 18, 2014
  14. BakedPotatoMummy February 18, 2014
  15. Hurrah For Gin February 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 18, 2014
  16. AtoZ Mummy February 18, 2014
  17. Ruth February 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 18, 2014
  18. Nikki Thomas February 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 18, 2014
  19. New Mum Online February 19, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 19, 2014
  20. Charlotte February 20, 2014
  21. The Brick Castle February 21, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 21, 2014
  22. Wicked World of Lucas February 21, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 21, 2014
  23. Actually Mummy... February 22, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 22, 2014

Leave a Reply