A Parent’s Guide to Surviving #IKEA

  • Upon arrival, try not to look too excited about the giant outdoor escalators… (I know – the trolley stays still even when you don’t hold it… it’s like some kind of voodoo…)
  • Head straight to the restaurant and un-trolley your child into the play area. Sit down for the first time in 17/18 months as she latches onto a five year old with a wooden hammer, and spends 30 minutes choosing which colour spoon she wants…
  • It is COMPULSORY to order meatballs. Each time you don’t, the overlord of #IKEA burns a swedish fairy alive.
  • It’s also completely mandatory to Instagram/tweet/facebook a photo of your child eating said meatballs and then consistently check how many likes you have to make yourself feel popular. Instagram likes = actual friends. ACTUAL. FRIENDS. 
  • It’s not Swedish… it’s made up words to make you look stupid in front of your children… Just say ‘the red one’ like everyone else…
  • Don’t worry about makeup… This is where Neanderthal man comes to buy tea towels and one of those suction bottom washing up brushes… He doesn’t give a f@*k if you have bronzer on…
  • Pretend you can afford a new kitchen. Block out other shoppers and engage in a fantasy where this is in your actual house… F@*k it, go make a sandwich in Bodbyn. For the 23 seconds before they remove you, you had clear, cheerio-free surfaces… and THAT’S what matters.
  • Reach the kids’ zone… And reeeellllaaaxxx. Child entertained for a further hour by a synthetic red tunnel and a fabric carrot. Sorted.
  • Also – no matter how much pleasure they get from pulling the hood down on that weird orange pod-chair-thing… if you buy one, they will sit in it one day for around three minutes, and the rest of the time you will have a weird orange pod-chair-thing looking shit in your living room.
  • If people don’t follow the floor arrows, it’s perfectly acceptable to trip them up… set them on fire… and let your toddler piss on them. Totally fine.
  • You cannot leave without an impromptu Daim Bar purchase at the tills. They’re small. They don’t count. *whispers* You’re thin on the inside…
  • Don’t forget tea lights… you can never have too many tea lights…
  • Also… why are they called tea lights…?

The end.

#bringgin
#IKEA

 

32 Comments

  1. Jess Paterson February 5, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 5, 2014
    • Steph @MisplacedBrit.com February 9, 2014
  2. Emma T February 5, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 5, 2014
  3. Joanna Henley February 6, 2014
  4. SarahMummy February 6, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 6, 2014
  5. Christine February 6, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 6, 2014
    • joceejo August 20, 2014
  6. gina caro February 6, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 6, 2014
  7. Helena February 7, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 7, 2014
  8. Downs Side Up February 7, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 7, 2014
  9. Anonymous February 7, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 7, 2014
  10. Older Single Mum February 7, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 7, 2014
  11. Charly Dove February 7, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 7, 2014
  12. Tom IdeasforDads February 8, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 8, 2014
  13. Rebecca Lawrance February 8, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 8, 2014
  14. Steph @MisplacedBrit February 9, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 9, 2014
  15. Ruby Knickers February 11, 2014
    • Wally Mummy February 17, 2014

Leave a Reply