It is a well-known fact that after natural child-birth, the second most painful part of raising a child is TMP…… Toddler Messy Play. *flinches and goes to happy place*
It’s a bit like taking part in some horrific and bizarre psychological experiment; involving parental torture, a kill scene, uncontrollable wailing and PVA…
Here’s some facts about TMP, to ensure you don’t undertake this ‘activity’ lightly:
- TMP is responsible for a 12% increase in gin sales nationally*.
- Last year alone, 4,000* plastic dinosaurs died during live ‘sessions’.
- 300,000 pairs of toddler pyjamas* that DEFINITELY should not have been seen by another human being were seen during sessions in the last 6 months… (and probably as many pairs of crusty-mummy leggings… but that is a story for another day…)
- 1 in every 10 parents* turns to necking the poster paint once the gin-sippy-cups have run out… If really desperate, it’s not uncommon for them to eat a Pritt-Stick.
- It can take up to three packets of baby-wipes to clean a toddler who’s created a Playdough-Sand-Paint hybrid.
- There is a proposed TMP helpline being set up exclusively for parents who forget a change of clothes… *shudders*
- Sometimes. Daddies don’t come back alive… and when they do, everyone says there’s just something ‘different’ about them…
*some bullshit statistics I made up for a cheap laugh and/or because I’m quite drunk while writing this.