Firstly. Break Daddy. (This won’t take very long.) Ensure he knows who’s boss; you will be having chocolate animal biscuits for lunch, you now move everywhere via the medium of interpretive dance, and poos shall not be attended to until YOU say so.
Mummy will be harder to break. But on the actual day of your party she’ll be weaker than usual. Her power will be limited due to copious amounts of wine and sandwich making, so pick your moments wisely… The commence operation ‘cake-cat‘. (Which is exactly how it sounds.)
Once you’ve established balloon ownership. NEVER let go. Sleep with that mother if necessary.
Now you’ve learnt how to turn up the volume on the docking station, let’s crank this bitch up. Everyone knows it’s not a party until the babies’ ears start bleeding.
You no longer move out of the way for furniture.
You only communicate via ‘shout’ now.
Bubbles are the new crack.
Find the weakest looking adult in the room and make them your cake bitch for the day. No-one says no to a two year old on their birthday if they like their skin where it is.
Save cake for later by hiding it in your hair. And in Mrs Potato Head’s left ear hole.
When the party entertainer arrives, look confused then attempt to burrow free using your finger nails… this will hurt so cry. A LOT.
Use the power the cake gives you to form a 3-and-under splinter-alliance to overthrow the party entertainer and claim those shaky eggs as your own… No-one f@*ks with the ‘Cake Crusaders’.
No matter what you are instructed to do by the party entertainer, all you hear is ‘DANCE’.
Whilst eating chocolate, jam or any other sticky, stain-inducing food, be sure to rub yourself on the sofa and use your party dress as napkin-come-food-hammock.
When Mummy’s not looking, break the catflap and begin eating parts of it.
If there’s too much selloptape on a gift, have a tantrum until your throw up. That’ll teach them. And don’t forget to look unimpressed by all gifts that aren’t just more cake.
Kick people. Just because you can. It’s your birthday.
Insist on sleeping with your new light-spinny toy. If Mummy or Daddy tries to stop you, use your sparkly hair slides to f@*king cut them.