I was very disappointed last week when you abandoned me for the entire weekend, for something Daddy called a ‘Hen Doo’. This behaviour is not acceptable and won’t be tolerated again.
I took some significant measures to discourage you, but you chose to ignore them and carry on regardless. A clear demonstration of your selfishness and poo-face-ness.
Firstly I removed one of your shoes, your hairbrush, your mascara and all your pants from your suitcase. Knowing these are how you get your power… But you still left… Impressive…
Then, I refused to sleep the night before you left, just to teach you I can still turn that shit on any time I like. And I think we both know Daddy will crack way before I do. How could you leave knowing that…?
Once you’d deserted us, whenever Daddy took photos or facetimed you I used my very disappointed scowly face. How could you not notice that? I’ve been practicing it in the mirror ever since I turned one and you bastards ate my cake.
I also deliberately developed a random rash on Saturday morning knowing Daddy would crumble and summon you back home, but apparently he’s not quite as helpless as I first thought. Which is both surprising and disappointing.
I even ate part of a balloon while we were out to lunch and made him read the pop-up farm book 36 times in a row and he still didn’t break. Even I was bored of the cow-in-the-haystack flap by the end of it. You’ve clearly had him in training. Touché mother. Touché.
Daddy tried to distract me from your selfish actions with constant playground trips, swimming, soft play… It was exhausting keeping him entertained all weekend but I went along with it. I’m just not sure it’s fair on him. He’s totally old and stuff now. The stamina’s not there…
Oh yeah and that shoe I removed from your case – I shit in it and left it under your bed.
Think about that next time you’re thinking about going away for a couple of days Mother.
Think about that…