I’m a pro now.
I’ve got at least one Mothering Sunday as a parent under my belt… and I feel it’s only fair I impart some wise words and advice to you fellow Mummies, so that you may avoid the ‘pitfalls’ and enjoy your special day as nature intended it.
- Firstly – explain to your husband/partner/significant other that what your really want for Mother’s Day is for him to remove himself and your child/children for the day and leave you alone with a copy of heat magazine, enough chocolate to kill off a tribe of diabetics and a barrel of gin.
- DEMAND breakfast in bed. And remind him that Bucks Fizz is a perfectly acceptable breakfast drink. (Orange juice optional.) (Champagne exchangeable for gin.) (No food necessary.)
- Cards are great… but stretch-marks are for f@*king life you bastard… so Moonpig won’t be cutting it this time. OK.
- DON’T – be sucked in by the M&S ‘dine for four’ adverts on the telly. Your husband is the one that will ‘pop out’ on Mother’s Day afternoon expecting the shelves to be plentiful with Prosecco and pink chocolate puddings and will return with a potato. REMEMBER – LOW EXPECTATIONS MEAN LESS DISAPPOINTMENT.
- DO – organise a highly inappropriate night out with your fellow mum-friends involving shots, dancing, karaoke, spanx, cleavage and a skirt almost as long as your vagina.
- Eat a whole pie. Just do it… It’ll make you sexy… sorry – sexier.
- Throughout the day, use Facebook to post pictures of your tiny tot at a few days old; smiling, laughing, making you look like the W-I’s gift to motherhood and woman-kind in it’s entirety…
- Then go on twitter and tell it like it really is whilst crying and being beaten in the face with a xylophone shaped like a crocodile – take a shot of wine to the eye for every RT you get.
- If you fear for one moment that due to the aforementioned alcohol consumption your other half may try to come near you with his penis, take a picture of your lady-bits on his phone and make it his screensaver. Also send to his iPad and work laptop. That should buy you few weeks before the ‘next baby’ conversation comes up again and really shit him up on a Monday morning before his conference call…
- (NOTE TO SELF: don’t let parents use the iPad. (Again)) #cringe
- Remember Mother’s Day is YOUR day to pretend your fanny is in tact and you didn’t pee a little bit on the sofa just then.
- And gin. It really IS all about gin.