High – It makes you shave your legs.
Low – This will probably confuse your husband and he’ll think it’s either his birthday or your wedding anniversary… or both… he’ll probably cry and his head could explode…
High – Support swimwear is making an hourglass out of your ‘badly-made-pudding’.
Low – This doesn’t stop your bingo wings flapping when handling your child out of the water. REMAIN LOW AND MAKE NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.
Low – You’re already bored of buying a new swimming costume every three months for the baby.
High – You got to go shopping. So shut up. Slap yourself in the face and apologise to the shopping gods.
High – You invested some serious time in buying a new waterproof mascara this week as a treat.
Low – Sadly this has not only been the highlight of your week but possibly your parenting journey to date…
Low – Swimming whilst drunk can be very detrimental to the health of both you and your child.
High – However any parenting whilst sober is likely to do more damage…
High – This also provides the ideal excuse to create a new cocktail – The ‘Biscotti-laced Poolside Gin-tini’ is frankly a triumph and some of my best work.
Note to self: The Nuby Grip-n-Slip allows easy poolside access without the stares you get using a hip flask…
High – You’ve bought one of those Zoggs blow-up rings so you can simply place the child within it in the water and relax safe in the knowledge they cannot kill themselves.
Low – It took 23 seconds for them to work out a way to kill themselves. Shit.
Low – Accidentally flashing your vagina at the teenage life guard.
High – Knowing you carried out essential lady garden maintenance this morning. Phew.
High – Your child did not ‘leak’ in the pool.
Low – It’s entirely possible that you did… Bastard pelvic floor.
High – They sell doughnuts.
Low – There is no low point to this.
High – You’ve found their weakness… their Achilles Heel… the toddler Kryptonite… Just one hour of swimming could result in them knocking out for the entire remainder of the day, or even into the next morning… I know. Shitting amazing.
Low – You’ll probably need a week’s recovery. And some physio.