Self Deprivation (of the Mummy Variety)

My name is WallyMummy and I have a confession…


I’m 13 months in to a fairly serious toddler/parent relationship and despite copious amounts of gin and a fairly convincing ‘I’ve got my shit together’ act, I am harbouring a secret…


I am guilty of some major self-neglect…


A victim of pretty severe self deprivation of the mummy variety…


And it’s time I got some of my ‘symptoms’ off my chest…

If I’d have known that over a year in I’d still be wearing leggings and only taking my make-up off every third day in a row, I would have stapled my vagina up before I ever started ovulating…

And as if to add insult to injury, my leggings now have ‘thin patches’. In rather inappropriate places. Proving I am actually too fat for leggings… How is that possible? I thought leggings were chunky thighs’ bestest bud? Backstabbing f@*kers.

I’ve also bought a sensible winter coat… I know… I feel dirty just thinking about it… It’s bright blue and has a detachable fleece lining and adjustable face-peak. Please can someone kill me… And not while I’m f@*king wearing it…

Winter = Uggs. Summer = Flipflops. That is all.

Used to be either ‘boobs out’ or ‘legs out’. Now it’s jogging bottoms or one of my husbands rugby shirts. Ok I’m lying. It’s both. Shit.

And clothing is not officially dirty until the baby has puked on it at least two days in a row. FACT.

I look at all my frilly, lacey matching underwear and somehow my brain says non-wired sports bra and girl-boxers. Underneath my clothes I’m like a flabby gender-confused boxer.

I don’t actually remember socks ever matching… If I find two that do, I basically count that as a frigging epic day. Or my birthday.

My daily skin routine involves acknowledging I have skin. And touché éclat. That’s it. And I also own a hairbrush. Although I don’t know where it is…

And mums remember, never be talked into a fringe by your hairdresser. FRINGES ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. They’re wankers.

Remember baths…? Umm. NO.

If I’m honest my razor’s so lonely these days it’s grown its own pubes.

#fringewankers
#havesomeginandstoplookinginmirrors
#GIN

36 Comments

  1. Claire Toplis January 24, 2013
  2. Joceejo January 24, 2013
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  3. Rach January 24, 2013
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  11. MSD January 25, 2013
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  12. Sally Smith January 25, 2013
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  13. The Crumby Mummy January 25, 2013
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  15. Actually Mummy... January 27, 2013
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  16. Actually Mummy... January 27, 2013
  17. Anonymous January 29, 2013
    • Wally Mummy January 29, 2013
  18. Tom IdeasforDads February 8, 2014

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