Monthly Archive: January 2013

The soft-play code of conduct

  Leave your dignity at the door. This is war. Wear sensible clothing. i.e. leggings and a sports-top… oh hang on… that’s what you wear every day. Ok. Wear that. And ‘black-up’. Remember. Territory is everything. Get organised. Upon arrival scan the area for the ideal vantage point and discuss tactics with your fellow mums via a closed Whats App group. Assign a group of …

Rein-rage

“Today you may well restrain me with these reins… but next week I might learn how to open the clasp… and the week after that I’ll be able to beat you to death with them… Think about that next time you put them on, Mother… THINK. ABOUT. THAT.” #reinrage #reinbeating #ginaid

Self Deprivation (of the Mummy Variety)

My name is WallyMummy and I have a confession… I’m 13 months in to a fairly serious toddler/parent relationship and despite copious amounts of gin and a fairly convincing ‘I’ve got my shit together’ act, I am harbouring a secret… I am guilty of some major self-neglect… A victim of pretty severe self deprivation of the mummy variety… And it’s time I got some of …

Snow Baby…

Seriously. What the f@*k. Rookie mistake… only these mittens saved you from losing a shitting eye. Clever move Mother… clever move…  As I’m laughing, all I’m doing is thinking up new and exciting ways I can ruin your vagina for good this time.  Seriously Daddy – you and me can take her if we work together. I’ll go for the ankles, you use your scarf to garotte the …

Thank F@*k for Grandparents.

Thank f@*k for f@*king grandparents, They’ve saved my sleep-deprived soul. From death by CBeebies and teething torture, And only eating from a ‘Hello Kitty’ bowl. Thank f@*k for f@*king grandparents, And last minute trips to the park. That let me remember what quiet sounds like, While I sit… slowly rocking… in the dark. Thank f@*k for f@*king grandparents, The Wednesday-night sleepovers at Granny’s. When Mummies …

This Year… The WallyBubba Resolution Poem

This year I promise not to poo in the bath, And eat something other than yoghurt. But try giving me textured stuff on a spoon again and I’ll knife you, ‘Cos if it’s not super smooth you can stuff it. This year I promise to stop pretend coughing, And embarrassing you at all of my play groups. I’ll stop punching other babies and stealing their …

WallyMummy's Big Fat Wally-Quiz of the Year

Happy New Year to all my wonderful followers. (AKA the world’s best people) You are clearly super sexy and totally know it, so to celebrate the arrival of 2013, it feels only right I give you a little quiz. Answer on behalf of your babies, and don’t forget to take this very seriously. And be drunk. Question 1: Mummy seems to have replaced your bottle …