A is for ALCOHOL and ABUNDANCE and that should need no further explanation. Otherwise we can’t be friends.
B is for her BEDTIME – an operation executed with military precision in 14 minutes flat to ensure as much wine time of an evening as humanly possible.
C is for CHILDREN and how I’ve realised I only like my own. Or at the very least only ones that can’t talk or move.
D is for her DADDY and feeling bad for the amount of stick I give him every day. But it is his f@*king fault.
E is for EXERCISE and trying to remember what that feels like… whilst eating a twix. (Ok three.)
F is for the FRIENDS without kids I pretend to still have stuff in common with, but ‘mentally punch in the face‘ every time they complain about being tired.
G is for GIN – there are so many gin-related confessions I just don’t know where to start. I’ll just give you the words gin, baby, pass-out and fall-over and you can arrange them any way you see fit to construct an average day for me…
H is for HANGOVER and realising the answer to the question is yes, it is possible for eyeballs to hurt.
I is for INDECISION because I can never make my mind up about anything anymore… Or can I…? I can’t remember.
J is for JOB-ENVY – I’m not saying I ever liked clients, deadlines and commuting. I’m just saying I miss slagging them off.
K is for JUMPEROO (yes I know it’s another J but it deserves a slot) because it SAVED MY SOUL. Even if it does take up 3/4 of my lounge and required planning permission to erect…
L is for LYING – I’m fine, childbirth was awesome, babies are easy-as-shit and life is just turding-well brilliant.
M is for MUMS because I will NEVER be rude or ungrateful to mine ever again. Total new found respect *beats fist to chest*
N is for NIPPLES and never being able to look at mine the same way…
O is for the OPTIMISM I used to feel about life… which evaporated around the same time as my pelvic floor muscles.
P is for PAMPERS and in memory of the numerous baby wipes and sizeable chunk of a size 3 nappy my daughter has so far managed to consume. I say ‘so far’ as I’m aware it’s fairly likely to happen again.
Q is for QUIET because I don’t think I remember what that sounds like.
R is for ROBE as I spend more time in a dressing gown than I do asleep. FACT.
S is for SWITCHING OFF because I can’t remember the last time I was able to a) complete a sentence or b) pay attention to someone who’s been talking for longer than about 30 seconds because… sorry what was the question again…?
T is for TUMMY TIME and knowing I just could never be arsed.
U is for UNKNOWN because I honestly haven’t got a clue what I’m doing or how this whole parenting thing is going to work out. I just wake up each morning and see what hits me in the face. Which is usually some partly digested banana and a turd.
V is for VAGINA and remembering it doesn’t just release small people.
W is for the tots100 WIDGET and knowing that when I see my blog on it I will actually KNOW I’ve ‘made it’…
X is for X-Factor because that is about as exciting as my Saturday night gets nowadays. That and ironing.
Y is for YES and how often I say it. I have no idea why – the last thing I want is visitors, the prospect of leaving the house before midday or to ever give birth again, but somehow I keep agreeing to stuff.
Z is for ZZZZZZZZZ *I’ve fallen asleep* (probably mid sentence)