SAHM…Everyone needs an acronym

It’s official. I love the taste of infant faeces so much I’ve decided I want it flung at my general face area daily for the near and foreseeable future. That’s right. Hold the shitting front page; I have made the decision to become a Stay-At-Home-Mum.

I never thought I would, so it has been a conflicted decision for me. I kept telling myself I was letting myself down by not returning to work, and then that I’d be letting her (and Sophie the Giraffe and the tombliboos) down if I did… Was so much fun having yet another thing to keep me up at night along with the teething, constant colds and lack of a functioning pelvic floor muscle…
If you’ve followed this blog from the beginning or are one of the lucky few who actually knows the WallyBubba personally you’ll know she is more than enough for one person to deal with on a daily basis, so I’m not expecting to be bored, stumped for conversation or sit down at any point… Clearly as I loved childbirth so much the first time around I’d quite like to that again reasonably soon too. Sod it, might even do it again twice. If my husband doesn’t have me secretly sterilised by imps in the night that is…
I actually found it was other people who had the biggest problem with me becoming a SAHM. So for anyone else who’s encountering the same treatment I’ve compiled a set of less conventional responses which I’ve found generally hush the haters:
  • It’s a little known fact but for the first year after you’ve had a baby, you are able to make other women pregnant simply by looking at them. I could clear an office within 6 months. It’s just not fair for me to inflict that on anyone.
  • This week I wore a pedometer and managed to cover 3 miles purely from crawling around the floor with my 10-month old. I just haven’t discovered a part time job that gives me that sort of carpet exposure.
  • Since becoming a parent my personality has taken a huge nose-dive and allowed me to become the bitch I always dreamed I could be.
  • Now I’m not earning, my husband gives me money in exchange for me looking after our child and home. I am a house-whore, and that’s what I like to write on forms and how I introduce myself.
  • I have twitter, Facebook, pinterest, instagram, Google+ accounts and a blog to maintain…. ‘work’ would always come second… and those stacking cups are not gonna stack themselves.
  • Babies are just better people than people. Fact.
  • When we meet in the pub, I promise not to talk about ‘baby stuff’ if you promise not to talk to me about your f•@king shit, boring job. Deal?
  • It’s not that I’ve got new priorities, it’s just I was either in a hormonal daze or drunk for the first 9 months of her life, so I feel I need to spend at least the next 9 months paying more attention.
  • My close family and friends might kill me if I have something else to complain about.
  • I hear it’s frowned upon to continually sustain a 50/50 gin to blood stream ratio in a work environment. Whereas that shit is fine with a baby… It’s not like I’m driving her around or anything is it.
  • The thing is, during childbirth my vagina fell out with my pelvic floor and I just don’t think it’s fair I sit on anyone else’s property other than my own until they make up.
I am now officially acronymed up. I might even put SAHM on my twitter profile later today… that’s when you know I really #meanit.
#SAHGM
#StayAtHomeGinMummy

26 Comments

  1. brinabird November 12, 2012
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