9 months old and strictly NO RETURNS #selfish

I don’t know what has happened recently but I DON’T like it.

It crawled, it teethed, it got snotty, then it got angry… has anyone else noticed their child has passed the 3/4 year mark and seems to have been possessed by a total arsehole?

WallyBubba – snotty arsehole possession

There are only so many hours in the day I can listen to the constant wailing, whining, wingeing that is my daughter’s only current vocal chord exercise. And only so many nights I can survive on 37 minutes sleep and still manage to look shitting-well happy about it.

So. I’m making a list, (yes another list – you know you flippin’ love ’em…) for me and all the same-stage mummies out there, of stuff that’s actually worth smiling about. Because when I think about it, there are a few good bits 🙂

You didn’t have periods for at least 12 months. GET. IN. (only plus point of pregnancy)
You can look at pregnant people and feel smug… oh the blind, unassuming optimism… (Mwah haha)
You have several new categories on eBay to exploit and your husband’s log in details… that’ll teach him to ‘work late’. Besides – if it’s for the baby, there’s no #shoppingguilt.
If you need to get out of a boring conversation, simply opt for the classic baby bottom sniff and pull the ‘turd alert’ face. Pair with a waft for gravitas and watch them run away…
You don’t have to call people back. You have a baby. 
You don’t have to go to the parties, birthdays, weddings or funerals of people you don’t like any more. You have a baby.
In fact you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to; ironing, cooking, cleaning, listening to your husband talk about sport… You have a baby. (see point 10 for use in any row that occurs due to the above or similar action) 
Even though you would never judge or criticise your friends’ parenting skills, everyone else is fair game. FACT. 
It makes you happy when people you know on Facebook have ugly babies. 
You can win every single argument with your partner/husband no matter what because YOU HAD THEIR F-ING BABY.
You’re secretly quite proud of how fast you can collapse/erect any buggy on cue.
Drugs actually work again (no – not crack and MDMA you cheeky minxs) – bring on the Nurofen Express. (and crack when necessary) 
You have new mummy friends whom you can drink copious amounts of gin and wine with, and spend hours slagging off babies, motherhood and all the thin, immaculate, young people in the world.
There is always gin.
And wine
(and crack)

#gingingin
#makemineatriple

Thanks WallyHubby, you bought us this.

You're not from round here

20 Comments

  1. Susan Spence September 26, 2012
    • Wally Mummy September 26, 2012
  2. Cherry @NewMummyReview September 26, 2012
    • Wally Mummy September 26, 2012
  3. Misty Bird September 27, 2012
    • Wally Mummy September 27, 2012
  4. SarahMummy September 27, 2012
    • Wally Mummy September 27, 2012
  5. Bex @ The Mummy Adventure September 27, 2012
    • Wally Mummy September 27, 2012
  6. Josie October 1, 2012
    • Wally Mummy October 1, 2012
  7. Emily Foran October 1, 2012
    • Wally Mummy October 2, 2012
  8. Helpful Mum October 3, 2012
    • Wally Mummy October 3, 2012
  9. The Mini Mes and Me October 4, 2012
    • Wally Mummy October 4, 2012
  10. Jodie Steed October 25, 2012
    • Wally Mummy October 25, 2012

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