Answer on their behalves for a completely serious and not-at-all made up psychological analysis of your child’s behaviour.
Mummy has bought you a sippy cup and is letting you try something called ‘wa-ter’ for the first time today. How do you react?
a) throw the cup at mummy’s face. Laugh hysterically.
b) suck back some of the ‘wa-ter’ without swallowing, hold for a few seconds then simply let it fall from your mouth. Repeat until cup is empty.
c) drink up like a good baby. Mummy might love you even more.
You over hear Mummy and Daddy talking about letting Granny put you to bed tonight so they can go somewhere called ‘out’. What should you do?
a) don’t even let those abandoning bastards get out of the door. Scream continuously only stopping to draw in air for more screaming. When Mummy gets near to kiss you goodbye, throw up on her dress and use the ‘you don’t love me look’ on Daddy until he breaks – he’s the weaker one.
b) let them leave, let them eat, let Granny believe all is well, store up your strength for later… Then when they get home and Granny leaves… punish them…
c) I love Granny – her face is like Mummy’s just a bit baggy round the edges.
It’s Saturday morning and for some reason Daddy has come to relieve you from baby-prison this morning; Mummy apparently has an ‘over-hang’ or something… How long should you let her sleep?
a) Daddy will not be allowed to remove you from the cot. Use your toe nails to lance his face whilst gripping onto the bars with your mouth until he lets go.
b) bide your time for just a few minutes… when he sees what you’ve got waiting in your nappy for him he’ll wake Mummy up himself.
c) Daddy has a funny shaped head. It’s funny.
Mummy says you are going to visit the Doctor today. You remember the Doctor – she put needles in your thighs and smiled. Sadistic bitch. How do you deal with the situation?
a) Make your body as stiff as a board and avoid eye contact at all costs. If she can’t strap you into anything, she can’t take you anywhere.
b) Squirm on one side until a small gap is made between your nappy and your thigh. Allow a small trickle of poo out each time Mummy picks you up and attempts to leave the house. All Mummies differ but on average it only takes 3.5 times for this to happen in quick succession before they give up entirely.
c) I like Mummy. She’s pretty.
Daddy has been allowed to dress you. You look like a total twonk. How are you going to get out of this one…?
a) Shit on yourself and then on him. Idiot.
b) That’s easy. As soon as Mummy sees me, she’ll make him change me. No unnecessary effort wasted.
c) I love my foot.
Mostly A’s – Consider toning things down a bit… there is a rumour they force you to go to a special school you sleep at if you make them cry too much.
Mostly B’s – Well done. You have truly mastered the daddy/mummy-manipulation. Jesus will deliver you a unicorn and some chips when you turn five.
Mostly C’s – You are not one of us.