Baby-weight busting bollocks

Am I the only new mum who just doesn’t feel the immediate pressure to lose my ‘baby-weight’ with varying new, exotic diet and exercise fads?

I’m not saying I don’t want to one day be able to wear a bikini without looking like a pile of mashed potato tied up with string, but right now I just don’t need anything else to feel bad about.

It does NOT inspire me watching celebrity mums bounce back to toned stick insects three weeks after popping a baby out; I actually think it’s pretty sad that they’ve got their priorities so warped after bringing a child into the world. Why the hell aren’t they spending near every waking moment looking after their new baby and their spare time crying like the rest of us…

Obviously, this is the kind of serious social issue that calls for a multiple choice quiz:

Question 1

Which best describes your diet:

a) You have a personal chef and live-in nutritionist who prepare you perfectly balanced, healthy meals brought to you on the back of a baby alpaca.
b) You buy plenty of fresh fruit, veg and fish at the supermarket, which makes you feel healthier when you get drive-thru KFC on the way home… but that in turn is balanced out with pregnancy multivitamins and slimline tonic for your gin.
c) You rotate the pot-noodle flavours (to ensure a varied diet).

Question 2

Which best describes your exercise regime:

a) You have a giant Swedish personal trainer called ‘Jann’ who wears Lycra and says things like ‘feel the burn yah’. And an in-house liposuctioner.
b) You lift and push a sodding baby around in a pushchair all bloody day long… Once a week you also attempt a run and reward yourself with wine. Plenty of wine.
c) You once watched the Active Channel by accident. Then realised and switched back over to Countdown.

Question 3

How often do you visit the gym:

a) You have a gym at your house – duh.
b) You hate the gym. You hate the people at the gym. You hate the person you become at the gym. You have a gym membership though – doesn’t that count?
c) You have seen a gym (on the Active Channel)

Question 4

Which best describes your fitness/physical aspirations:

a) You want the measurements of a nine year old. The rest can be filled out with implants.
b) One chin is probably enough… You’d also like to not visibly wobble when you laugh and consider swimwear by 2013…
c) You are opting out of the quiz at this point.

Answers:

Mostly As – don’t be stupid, no-one who’d answer a) would ever take part in this quiz
Mostly Bs – this is normal, have another gin to celebrate
Mostly Cs – should probably consider something other than parenting

8 Comments

  1. Michelle S-D May 10, 2012
    • WallyMummy May 10, 2012
  2. Tara May 10, 2012
    • WallyMummy May 10, 2012
  3. Rach May 10, 2012
    • WallyMummy May 10, 2012
  4. Maggie May 10, 2012
  5. WallyMummy May 10, 2012

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